Payback

Payback Day- ME / CFS comes to collect.

By Bridgett Monville

I knew this day would come when I rested quietly in bed for days as birthdays & holidays approached.
I knew when I carefully weighed the risks vs rewards of each potential celebration.
I knew as I painfully decided to stay home alone missing the event entirely.
I knew as I chose to simply socialize, twice at home and twice away.
I knew when I fought to hide the myriad of symptoms instead making every minute count while I could.
I knew as I smiled in photos to help me remember why I keep fighting.
I knew when I left the festivities to sit alone wearing earplugs giving my body some respite.
I knew when I turned down the games, alcohol and tasty treats fearing a sudden shut down to a painful, paralyzed, catatonic state.
I knew as I felt every amplified sound of shoes on the carpet, utensils, utilities, pets, breathing, sighing and sniffle, each hitting me like a brick wall.
I knew as I held each hug a little longer almost to scavenge energy and support for the unknown ahead.
I knew as I felt my immune system kicking into overdrive as if under severe attack for days.
I knew as the familiar headache, sore throat, swollen glands, chills, nausea, pain in what feels like every cell of your body, confusion, racing mind and heart, chest pains et al washed over me.
I knew as I crawled in bed feeling like I had just suffered severe trauma.
I knew as I counted each long minute of suffering through the sleepless night.
I knew as I resisted the overwhelming urge to wake my husband for comfort since none exists anyhow.
I knew as I isolated myself in dark silence until I recover.
I knew as I attempted to keep hydrated and nourished even though my body was too occupied to deal with digestion.
I knew before numbing my system to extreme and forcing focus on these words like a lifeline.
I knew as I drew from comforting memories of you.
I knew as I realized this disease has stolen almost everything but not yet my love or voice.